6 Ways to Be a Better Pedestrian, You Asshole

"Mailbox Cancer" (mailboxcancer)
08/23/2013 at 21:23 • Filed to: None

Pedestrians are the bane of the motorist's existence. You idiots in your walking shoes, headphones, cellphones, newspapers, and tall skinny mocha lattes love to walk blindingly into an intersection– crosswalk present or not –fully expecting a 2000-4500 lb. chunk of metal, plastic, and glass traveling at 40 mph to stop on a dime for your useless body. We all know yield-to-pedestrian laws are there for a reason, but you somehow find a way to exploit even that . You asshole.

But do not fear, for I– a fellow human being –have offered 6 ways to better yourself as a pedestrian instead of nurturing your inner darting squirrel. I'll make this as short and simple as possible.

1. Look Both Ways, You Jerk

Looking to cross the road in front of you? Fair enough, it's a free society – you can do nearly whatever the hell you want. But Jesus tap-dancing Christ, look to your right AND left before even thinking about putting one foot off the curb.

2. Make Your Movement Decisive and Obvious, You Douche Canoe

There's nothing worse than trying to perform an emergency maneuver in a car to avoid hitting a timid or fickle pedestrian that changes their mind/direction out of nowhere. Please (PLEASE) make your path obvious and brisk so we know exactly how to coexist on the road.

3. Find it In Yourself to Wave Motorists Ahead of You, Dick

Your walking speed is, on average, 2-3 mph. You're a slow, lazy animal. And when you cross the road, we motorists must wait at least 10-20 seconds for you to get the hell out of our path. Do us a favor and wave us ahead: we'll be out of your path in a blink of an eye compared to what seems like you intentionally dragging your ass across the ground as slow as possible.

4. Don't Dart in Roads, You Piece of Shit

As mentioned before, we motorists are piloting very large and heavy transportation machinery. By the laws of physics, it requires i-n-c-r-e-d-i-b-l-e effort for me to bring such a contraption to an absolute halt than for you to just chill the fuck out and wait your turn. You're not a dog, you're not a mindless child, you're not a stray neighborhood basketball ... you're a grown ass man/woman who SHOULD understand that blindly running into roads will certainly get you killed. Runners: this goes for you especially.

5. Put Down the Goddamn Phone, Deer Fucker

Think drivers are the only culprits? Not a chance. People become zombies when they willingly immerse themselves in a phone conversation, text string, social media, news reports, episodes of Wilfred on Netflix, you name it ... and when they become zombies, they walk into roads without a single care in the world. Put down the fucking phone for TWENTY SECONDS and then continue your "connected" life once you're not in the barrel of a shotgun (your local friendly thoroughfare).

6. Get the Fuck Outta' the Road, Asshole!

Just stay out. And if you're in a crosswalk as I and every other motorist in the line of 25 cars behind me wait for you, please pick up the pace and jog out of the way. The road wasn't built for your travel by foot ... it was specifically crafted to endure years, if not decades, of very heavy travel by very heavy vehicles at a very high rate of speed. For the same reason why I don't loiter in my car casually down an active runway at Logan International Airport, I expect you to awake from your latest sleepwalking episode and complete the long and treacherous journey between 2 city blocks.

Welcome back to Incriminating Evidence, where the justice system may use an author's own incendiary words and thoughts in order to convince a jury that striking and injuring an old woman crossing the street was not an accident!

DISCUSSION (100)

. . > Mailbox Cancer
08/23/2013 at 21:30

Now that is an article I can fully agree with. Good job (you arse)! :D

Mailbox Cancer > . .
08/23/2013 at 21:31

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, ARSE

. . > Mailbox Cancer
08/23/2013 at 21:31

Oi!

Lets Just Drive > Mailbox Cancer
08/23/2013 at 21:39

It was the "Deer Fucker" part that did it for me.

Lets Just Drive > Mailbox Cancer
08/23/2013 at 21:48

Can I add a seventh?

7. You may have a Death Wish but I'm not the Genie to Grant it, Piss For Brains.

I don't fucking care how little regard you have for your own life but you don't have to fuck up my life throwing yours away. I have hopes, dreams and aspirations - none of which involve running over a hapless fuckwit in traffic. They say that murder sticks with you, that killing a dumb fucker like yourself, no matter how deserving of death you may be, will fuck me, the driver, up for life. You know what, shitfuckwit? I don't need that karma, I don't need your bloody, mushed up face haunting my nightmares as I watch you over, and over, tumble up, into and then over my car in a bath of blood, spittle and piss. Don't count me among the everything-has-a-right-to-live bleeding heart pussies; in my opinion, if you're too fucking dumb to live, there's no reason in my mind you should be put out of your, and our, misery. Having said that, I don't need my mid-week commute forever ruined by that one day, that one shitty day, when I made your heart explode in your chest.

ShortageofZ > Mailbox Cancer
08/31/2013 at 18:08

I drove to downtown Oakland one night a few years ago and a group of about 10-15 hoodrats wearing blue jeans and black sweatshirts walked into my path one by one till all of them were a barricade. I laid on the horn when it had gotten way too fuckin ridiculous, but they still didn't budge.

That's when I dropped it into 1st, built up the revs, dumped the clutch, and shouted "VTEC STONE COLD KILLLAAAAAA", and ended lives.

Some, all, or none of this story is true. But either way, fuck pedestrians in Oakland. Seriously, fuck them. Get the fuck out of my way. You realize your collection of skin, bones, and useless organs will cease to exist if you fuck around with a big metal object traveling at a casual 30mph, right? Dumbasses.

Oh, and great post! :) :) :)

QuacumquasitBill > Lets Just Drive
08/31/2013 at 18:59

Me too:

"Deer Fucker — The Movie"

The climactic scene involves pedestrians donning blindfolds in a sweaty illegal gambling parlor and walking out into an intersection.

Trevor Mohr > Mailbox Cancer
08/31/2013 at 19:18

I have to take a really narrow, curvy road on the way to school everyday. I call it the mini Nürburgring! Anyways, this is a rather dangerous road, and I see at least 2 people cycling/jogging on it! Are they out of their minds? Maybe looking for a lawsuit! It's so stressful...

Timski > Mailbox Cancer
08/31/2013 at 20:15

Yield to pedestrians, you over caffeinated, self-entitled, custom mini cooper driving, prick.

jalop1991 > Mailbox Cancer
08/31/2013 at 20:17

tl;dr

"the world revolves around me and everyone should accommodate me second by second".

OttoMaddox > Mailbox Cancer
08/31/2013 at 22:05

Make sure I see you, cumstain!

Yes, you have the right of way in the crosswalk. But if it's night and you're wearing all black it may not matter.

Otherwise have the words "But I had the right of wayyyyy" chiseled on your fucking tombstone.

thebigbossyboss > Mailbox Cancer
08/31/2013 at 22:55

#4. For the love of god, I agree. I almost hit a woman last year who drunkenly just "decided" to cross from in between parked cars. I couldn't stop in time, but she heard the horn and ended up leaning on one foot over my hood. Talk about close.

Jameseshepherd > Mailbox Cancer
08/31/2013 at 23:21

... And if you are going to run for the crosswalk with 10 seconds left on the countdown timer and the slowly saunter across the road, expect me not to particularly care if you feel threatened as I drive past you while making a left turn ... You did leave me out in the intersection with the light turning red.

RMPL > Mailbox Cancer
08/31/2013 at 23:43

Agreed except #6.

At a crosswalk designed to move pedestrian traffic at that location, get a load of this, Ballsweat: I am not jogging, hustling, or running, to facilitate clearing my wretched self from your presence. You, Stinkfinger McButtscratch, can stop and wait for the walk to clear, and bite me while you wait. I am walking like a legal pedestrian, and if, Snotnozzle, you can't dig that, well, they invented limited access highways just for you, Pencildick McPintojockey.

His Stigness > Mailbox Cancer
09/01/2013 at 00:31

That was epic! Every single word.

Douche canoe was awesome though.

I hope there's more epicness like this in the pipes.

RMPL > OttoMaddox
09/01/2013 at 00:48

Nothing said about dark clothes and night time in #6

Mailbox Cancer > Timski
09/01/2013 at 00:51

Dude, I see your lips moving, and your points made, but you're standing in the middle of the road. Just move over to your right, just a couple feet or so. Cool, thats perfect - thanks.

Mailbox Cancer > jalop1991
09/01/2013 at 00:54

Said the man, shitting on a car hood in rush hour, making everyone late to everything that ever existed.

Mailbox Cancer > RMPL
09/01/2013 at 00:59

Thanks, Dad.

You don't think people use the crosswalk as an opportunity to drag their ass? Especially on unprotected crosswalks, there are some who love to treat it as an extended stay suite at the Red Roof. Seriously, use the crosswalk as it was intended and get the fuck out.

Mailbox Cancer > His Stigness
09/01/2013 at 01:01

I just really hope this is my generation's I Have A Dream speech.

Mailbox Cancer > ShortageofZ
09/01/2013 at 01:10

Obviously you get me. And obviously you're not looking to MURDER people (even hood rats). And double obviously, you understand simple principles of physics. Which is why you're obviously gonna sell that VTECH pos tomorrow. Just kidding, maybe.

Thanks for the love - I'll stay out of Oakland when on a caffeine buzz.

cruzin150 > Mailbox Cancer
09/01/2013 at 05:36

I've had fights with my wife about this. She lives in San Francisco where, let's face it, pedestrians expect you cater to their whims. Never mind that I don't trust drivers to think about my safety when I'm walking around.

Anyway, it is my job to look out for them (even if they're too careless/absent-minded/aloof) but what really pisses me off is the guy/girl waiting at the corner for the walk light to go on, but they're waiting on the crosswalk , rather than the curb. I'm trying to make a right turn on red, so not only am I looking at cross traffic (so that I don't kill myself) but I also have to watch out for the dumb-asses that's leave the curb to wait on the street. This makes no sense to me and it's very unsafe, especially when hardly anyone ever stops to turn right, regardless if it's red, green or chartreuse.

Kinja'd!!!

Mailbox Cancer > cruzin150
09/01/2013 at 10:03

This is why I think yeild-to-pedestrian laws are a little ass-backwards. There's an entitlism that they feel they have, especially the ones who don't drive (bicyclists) - resulting in "HEY IM WALKIN' HERE!" yelling matches.

When I'm in their shoes (pun), I do my very best to find the least troubling route as to not disturb motor vehicle traffic. Why pretend that simply all motorists will even see me crossing? Expect danger everywhere and act accordingly.

jalop1991 > Mailbox Cancer
09/01/2013 at 11:32

If you want people to be considerate and aware of their surroundings, you'll get no argument from me.

But, if you insist that everyone else give up everything they're doing just because that serves your needs...

I'm sure that pedestriannik.com has its own version of this rant.

"Considerate and aware of their surroundings" applies to everyone, even the drivers. Awareness by drivers of the right of people to be pedestrians, and awareness and consideration of their situation—even if that means you have to pause for five seconds while they get out of your way—is not only acceptable, it's expected.

jalop1991 > Mailbox Cancer
09/01/2013 at 11:35

and to you, apparently "the way it was intended" is for anyone in it to run at his fastest speed to accommodate you.

WALKING in the crosswalk is unacceptable—you made that clear, douchenozzle that you are.

elfakkeroo > Mailbox Cancer
09/01/2013 at 11:44

One thing that I haven't seen anyone talk about:
Roads are built for and paid for by motorists, cuntshit .

We pay the taxes ( road tax? duh! ) at least in non-Murica countries ( dunno about your laws ). Whilst we're okay with you using them to walk/ bicycle/ fornicate on, remember that these are our roads and you're simply a guest. So behave like a good one.

Bryan Keesee > Mailbox Cancer
09/01/2013 at 12:12

Pedestrian from Portland here, and as someone who has always followed these rules, I would like to point out that a good 75% of drivers do not. Daily, I wave frantically at Prius drivers to Go! pointing at all the traffic behind them. Or the drivers coming to a dead stop at an intersection w/ no stop sign. Go! Or the super slow movers that start using their signal after they've started a turn (what is that about?) - These people I do not jog for. Also I do not jog for people that INSIST I go first, despite all logic.

Maybe once a week, my faith in humanity is restored as a driver signals, I stop and nod, they continue without breaking with a wave, I wave back. Lovely.

Onto the X6 that won't Go! There's no traffic! Go already! Oh - you were turning. Fuck me

Mailbox Cancer > jalop1991
09/01/2013 at 12:55

You're still here? Cross the road already, or are you busy giving granny a pink sock?

jalop1991 > Mailbox Cancer
09/01/2013 at 13:03

No, that's your mom. But it's no wonder you didn't recognize her.

And even *she* admits she should have swallowed instead.

Mailbox Cancer > jalop1991
09/01/2013 at 13:34

Which is exactly why I should call you Dad, Dad.

Now are you gonna get out of the road now, or what? Or do you want a razorblade blowjob too? Pedestrians...

ShortageofZ > Mailbox Cancer
09/01/2013 at 16:13

Yeah, but why would you murder someone in anything other than a POS? I'm not using a Jaguar to murder people. I'm using it to get pusseh.

...and then murder pussy.

jalop1991 > Mailbox Cancer
09/01/2013 at 17:07

You have time for another blowjob? I would have thought your dance card to be full.

JohnnyWasASchoolBoy > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 12:35

You know what. I didn't read this.

Why?

Because you decided to lump an entire group of people together and then resorted to being a dickhead.

Get bent.

stirling.spera > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 12:39

Last year I lived on a road in which there were no street lights, and black people wearing black hoodies and black pants would walk in the middle of the road late a night...it's a miracle I didn't kill anyone.

FYI: Yes, white people did this too, but I could at least see their hands.

shortyoh > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 12:42

#4 <— THIS.

I don't want to use the derogatory terms towards the kid, but on my commute yesterday, I was on a 4 lane road approaching an intersection. Speed limit is 35. The left lane is backed up about 15 cars or so, but the right lane is completely empty as people are trying to get past a city bus stopped on the other side of the intersection. I'm turning right, so I'm approaching the intersection and slowing for the light. About 100 feet out from the intersection, the light turns green. I let off the brake and am doing roughly 10 mph. Nowhere near the limit. As I get about 50 feet out, a ~8-10 year old kid darts out from between two SUVs right in front of my car.... not at the intersection, but between stopped cars as the first cars in line start pulling into the intersection.

Slammed on the brakes and despite my slow speed, still only missed him by a foot or so at most.

I think my heart was pounding for hours afterwards. Cross at the intersection only when you have the light, people...

Jerk Dently > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 12:43

I live in Syracuse, NY and my doctor's office is up near the SU campus.

I cannot tell you how many times I've almost hit a student, because apparently they are all from wondrous lands where you can just stroll across the street anywhere and anytime the whim catches you.

They don't pause and look, they don't use the cross walk, they will step out from a behind an SUV or van where you can't see them coming and not a single fuck is given. I finally started driving about 7mph until I'm clear of the area so I don't get rear ended when I have to slam on the brakes.

Ratchet when he's all hopped up on synthetic energon > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 12:46

Here's my rule when I'm chevro-legging it. When I come to an intersection, I take the same right-of-way that I would had I come to it in a car. If there's cars there before me, I let them go before me.

Now, most cockweasel Camry commanders can't understand just going and getting out of my way, so I've had to modify my behavior. I don't initiate a back and forth wave-through dance like we're some teenager lovebirds insisting the other hang up first, I step back and act like I'm no longer interested in crossing. That seems to be the only thing their stegosaurian brains can understand. I do the same thing when I'm coming to a mid-block crosswalk with cars coming and I know they'll get through before I could even start in the intersection. Don't make ME the asshole because you're too dumb to calculate that I have no impact on you and you choose to stop and wait.

When I AM going through that crosswalk, I own that bitch. I waited my turn like a decent human being, and I'm taking it.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 12:47

Wow man, you pissed off some guy so bad he made like 7 burner accounts to keep attacking you. I bet he got hit in a cross walk.

I loved the article, was maybe a bit harsh but that was the humor of it. I'm a runner, I hate running in/near the street. And if a RUNNER is walking in a cross walk they are an idiot. What a waste. I prefer the paved path at my local park.

And don't worry about "Mr. Burner I hate you and everything you stand for" guy I've had the same attacks for plenty of responses and comments on these sites. I think you nailed it.

McMike > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 12:48

There is only one way a pedestrian can win vs a vehicle.

It's in the courtroom when the judge orders the motorist to pay for all wheelchair ramps at your house.

JohnnyWasASchoolBoy > elfakkeroo
09/04/2013 at 12:52

That really depends on where you are.

There is no such things as "road tax" at the municipal government level in Canada. City roads are paid for through property taxes and Provincial grant funding. Gas taxes cover part of this.

However, the amount of wear and tear on the road caused by cyclists is nowhere near that caused by cars and trucks. A bike cause essentially zero impact on the physical infrastructure.

Also, the road-use paradigms - especially in North American cities - are changing. More people are choosing alternate means of transportation. The days of "the roads are for cars only" are rapidly changing.

josephbloseph > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 12:53

Some of these points are valid; pedestrians do need to look both ways, make their movements predictable, and not dart out into the street. But I don't see a good reason why a pedestrian should wave a motorist through though, unless they weren't actually going to cross the street. The way I look at it, that's like the person with the right of way at a 4 way stop sitting around waiting for someone else to move. Also, pedestrians are usually more exposed to the elements; if it's cold out in winter or hot out in the summer, or pouring rain, it's really not going to bother me as a driver to wait for 30 seconds in my heated or air conditioned car. Also, while I wouldn't expect watching video is terribly safe while walking, I don't see any problem with phone conversations as long as you can keep a minimum amount of awareness, including actually looking both ways before crossing. I think the big problem people do have talking on the phone is that they resist turning their heads in the direction their phone is.

Decay buys too many beaters > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 12:53

I'm a runner and while I agree with most of what you said, I'd like to make an addendum to #4

It would be nice if most drivers would fucking STOP at crosswalks with stop signs. I should not have to worry if Mrs. Mom is going to pull through every goddamn time I see a Camry coming up to an intersection.

Also Hybrids, how about a fucking courtesy honk when you creep up on blind intersections.

spanfucker retire bitch > RMPL
09/04/2013 at 13:00

Perfectly agreed. While the rest of the write-up is pure poetry, number 6 shows you're a whiney cunt. If the pedestrian waits for the crossing signal, and goes through a legally designated crosswalk, your only job is to wait for them patiently to cross. You sound like a BMW driver with Number 6.

Don't like it? Fuck off.

WizardAlien > Decay buys too many beaters
09/04/2013 at 13:08

I agree with this. Near where I live, people constantly run the stop signs. Its dangerous for both pedestrians and other drivers. When my dog was still alive, I was walking him and this old bat in a truck nearly ran us down. I had to tug on his leash and force the poor old blind dog with bad hips to run.
I've seen drivers nearly run down blind people as well.

RedRoab > Decay buys too many beaters
09/04/2013 at 13:10

I just wish people would slow down before the stop line/crosswalk. If you're going to roll through the sign, fine, whatever, but reduce your speed BEFORE you get to where pedestrians are crossing. So many times I see people just slam their brakes at the last possible second, well after they would have mowed down anyone in the crosswalk.

Wonk Unit > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:10

May i recommend taking several of these. Unless you are dying or late for a quickie with Jennifer Lawrence, you have no reason not to take a deep breath, count to ten, and wait for the nice man/lady to cross the street.

Kinja'd!!!

Decay buys too many beaters > RedRoab
09/04/2013 at 13:11

Yeah, I see this a lot as well.

Brian, The Life of > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:12

Let's be honest here, each of these except #6 applies to drivers as well.

cruzin150 > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:13

Exactly.

That's how I think when I'm walking, especially in a busy city. The entitlement is beyond stupid — I'll never win when it comes to getting hit by a car. So, I'd rather just not be in the way.

Common sense should be taught in schools.

theboyracer > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:14

I live in the suburbs of Washington DC, and only recently have they started putting up more pedestrian crossings on larger 4 and 6 lane roads in my area. I guess it's for safety when traffic lights are few and far between, but I'm seeing sometimes 50-100+ vehicles have to stop to let 1 person cross the street. I don't necessarily have a problem with this, but that's a tremendous impact on the environment to have all those vehicles stop and have to accelerate again vs. that person wait until the road is clear. Sometimes well-meaning drivers stop when a pedestrian has no intention of crossing and is waiting for traffic to clear. Therefore, I, as a pedestrian, hang far back until the road is clear.

BannedAndFurious > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:15

Also baby carriage is not a battering ram. I am always surprised how nonchalantly some mothers (9/10 times using cell phone and steering the carriage with one hand, like a she hulk who can control 30 kg with one hand) roll their hell spawn on the road without looking.

scorpio516 > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:15

I was going to say something about pedestrians in Boston, but then caught the reference to Logan...

For the rest of you, you've got no idea! Pedestrians in SF, in Berkeley, in Ann Arbor, everywhere, are better than eastern Massholes. Downtown areas are bad, but you could be driving down a 50 mph street and someone will walkout in front of you! Just a little bit of self preservation could help.

Then because of this, drivers are morons too. If I'm waiting for traffic to clear to walk across the street, I don't need you to come to a complete stop when there are only 4 cars behind you, when 2 came inches from rear ending you.

juggaho > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:16

What does the 'H' in VTECH stand for? ;P

ZR1fan > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:17

Had a moment like that recently with a girl who was yapping on her phone as I was coming up to a green light, she was walking across the crosswalk that went parallel to my line of travel, but somehow i knew this hapless fuckwit was gonna turn left once she got to the other end.. Right in front of me. I had the green.. I was already rolling at a good 30-35 or so mph, but I decided to brake anyway just in case.. Sure enough the dumbass walks right out in front of me without looking and i have to completely stop in the middle of a busy intersection (in Newark, by Rutgers) so I dont hit her, the kicker? The girl next to her saw me coming and was trying to get her attention/pull her back to the sidewalk, she didnt bother to look and see what the problem was until she was already directly in front of my stopped car. I drive a Pilot, had I not anticipated this idiots stupidity and slowed down to 15-20 mphearly, at the speed I was going originally there would have been nothing i could have done to stop said Pilot from making pancakes out of this pea brained moron.. It wouldnt have been able to stop in time.

Had another one with a kid who had his headphones in who came out from behind a cargo van without even looking, I had to slam on the brakes full tilt and BARELY stopped in time to avoid hitting him. I stopped a foot from him, he didnt even look, my friend and i gave each other a look like "holy crap that was close". I was gonna hit the horn on him but he was so close and the Pilots horn so loud I wouldve probably blown his ears out, now that I think about it, I shouldve blasted the horn, wouldve been hysterical to watch him jump 5 feet in terror after I nearly made him a hood ornament.

BigHarv > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:20

Hmm. Not sure how to think about this, as every driver I know becomes a pedestrian when they park.

Still cringe every time I see a pedestrian walk on a hold signal designed to allow cars to turn though. That shit is easy to mistake, but man does it ever destroy traffic flow, and it takes one dude to do it.

juggaho > ShortageofZ
09/04/2013 at 13:20

Hows that workin for ya?

BiggsHoson > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
09/04/2013 at 13:22

His points are valid (and this coming from a frequent cyclist) - I s'pose the over-the-top sarcasm was just lost on some people.

What it comes down to is this: the roads are a shared resource. Although the laws are in place to protect those who are most vulnerable, the onus is on all of us using the road to make sure it's used as efficiently as possible. This means that in addition to yielding way when the law calls for it, we sometimes need to give way when it doesn't. Sharing the road starts with not getting pissed off at an entire group because one asshat driver/cyclist/pedestrian has a heightened sense of entitlement.

anonkc > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:22

There is a strange 5-way intersection in Greenville, SC. It has street lights and cross walks. Plenty of sidewalks and parks around. The foot traffic is heavy. This particular intersection is dangerous because they will give cars a green light and pedestrians the signal to cross. However the cars veering to the right are supposed to temporarily yield to the pedestrians as it is considered a right turn so the cross walking deer fuckers have right of way. Drivers can just barely make out the cross walk sign off in the distance if they are paying attention. Long story short 5 cock gobbling drivers didn't yield to a wily deer fucker pedestrian and said irate DFP lady was livid. I cringed and giggled as the whole thing went down as it does every 2 minutes or so. Unfortunately for me I was CG#6 in this freight train. The DFP stopped in my lane on the cross walk screaming at me as I literally inched up to the cross walk. I issued the global get the fuck out of my way gesture by waiving a backhand at her as the cross walk had already changed to DO NOT WALK. She called for her daughter to join in her revolt against cars using the road but her daughter was so traumatized and embarrassed she wouldn't move. I inched forward until she was a few feet away at which point she finally realized the cross walk had changed to don't walk 60 seconds ago. Then she slapped the rear passenger window next to my daughter's face. Thanks ya' crazy bag o' cunts. I hope she broke her hand.

BigHarv > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:24

Make your move obvious?

When drivers consistently use their turn signal on occasions that it doesn't directly benefit them, I'll feel bad about that.

Atomic Buffalo > Wonk Unit
09/04/2013 at 13:25

I see what you did there, using humor to humorlessly respond to an obviously humorous rant.

Der Sportwagoner > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:26

You'd think this guy had never walked...anywhere.

Bearded Bastard > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:29

except #3

at a crosswalk, pedestrians have the right of way, i dont want to slow down or stop to be waved by. i already stopped just cross. nor do i want to get potentially pulled over for not yielding to pedestrian traffic.

they wave people by it takes time. walk to the edge of the walk, stop, look both ways, wait for all moving traffic to stop and cross.

its not at all difficult

covers86 > JohnnyWasASchoolBoy
09/04/2013 at 13:31

Roads are not for cars only, but they are primarily for cars. Obviously, it's a good thing to alternate transportation choices, but for pure safety reasons, some deference should be paid to vehicles, primarily because it's a 4000 lb hunk of metal. I'm not saying might is right, but some common sense as opposed to self righteousness is important. Moral indignation is all fine and good until someone is seriously injured. Don't get me started on people who tow babies in those bike trailers. That is actually child endangerment. Vehicles need car seats and safety ratings, but I think much of the child towing is tolerated as it's seen as eco friendly. Anyway, I digress.

As for the tax issue. No, we don't have road taxes as such in Canada. But we have extremely high gas taxes + sales tax on gasoline. We also have numerous tolls. Much wear and tear on the roads is caused by cars, but even more in many areas is caused by snowplows, which all road users need.

So basically, yes, we all need to share. Motorists need to be less impatient, but cyclists need to lose the moral superiority. And everyone needs to be more attentive. This is partially a response to the comment and partially a rant. I apologize if I sound like a raving lunatic.

Thipps > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:32

I lived in Detroit for 5 years.... biggest problem i have with the city is the J walking, there could be a cross walk 50 feet away and no one will use it, people will be wearing dark clothing at night in the rain and walk across 6 lanes of traffic as if they owned the road. they will even cross one lane at a time and stand in between waiting for the next lane to open up. Its like a effing game of Human frogger. I get so angy thinking about it. I would feel worse for the person who hits someone then the person who gets hit. And i have almost hit people at 45 miles an hour because you just cant see them, Trust me it shakes you up

jpunk > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
09/04/2013 at 13:33

No, if a RUNNER is walking across the road they're making sure the fucknut drivers out there slow down good and proper to let them cross. It's a cross WALK and I will WALK across so everybody knows what to expect, your soccer mom ass can wait the extra fifteen seconds.

ohnobeesafraidofbees > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:35

My safe-crossing technique involves deliberate and obvious eye-contact. I make my intent to cross obvious, and then stare, stonefaced, directly into the black rectangular eye-void of the automobile. I sense its sudden awareness of my humanity and agency, and they stop every time, even when it's some clothead intent on barreling through like some kind of barrel full of YOLOs or whatever it is kids keep in barrels these days. It's my secret way of hacking into human brains.

William Byrd > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:36

Love it. Can we get a bicyclist version? Pedestrians in DC are pretty bad, lots of "I don't feel like walking 1/2 a block to the crosswalk, so I'll just cross here don't hit me bro" happening, but people on bikes are ten times worse. There is more of a "I want the same rights as you cars...until it inconveniences me and then it's a free for all" entitlement happening with a lot of cyclists around here.

They (rightfully) want drivers to yield to them as they coast down the side of the road (pedal fucker!) to the next light. Then (naturally) they pass all of the stopped cars and pull up in front of the lead car. At one point (when my cars weren't boring), I had a 412hp Mustang and was always amazed at the people that decided they could get away from the light quicker than I could. And oh by the way, it's ILLEGAL to run red lights, which most will do in a heartbeat.

So in summary, would love to see a curse-laden rant about cyclists if you get time.

McLarry > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:38

I'm not sure you really understand the proper way to use colorful metaphors...

Kinja'd!!!

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > jpunk
09/04/2013 at 13:39

Really? If you're a runner and you're walking the cross walks - you're a shit runner then. You shouldn't be walking mid-run. It will drop your heart rate, opposite of what you want to happen. That's why you see us real runners at cross walks jogging in place. I don't give a shit about stopping someone up just on the principal of it being a walk. Really you're so petty you have to try to intentionally slow people up?

Wow.

jpunk > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:42

Yield-to-pedestrian is the only way the law's going to work, because when cars and peds bump uglies the pedestrians are the ones who die.

Remember that whole "with great power comes great responsibility" speech from Spider Man? How Superman busts his own ass so squishy regular people can live? It's that, only in real life. If you're too much of a bully to wait politely in a car in mixed traffic, you need a do-over of kindergarten.

ridered777 > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:43

I feel like this article must have been written by someone who attends the same university as me (UNH) and perhaps even drives the wildcat buses on campus (like me).

Most excellent.

Driving-ms-paisley > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:44

This whole thing could be summed up better by look where you're going and be courteous.

Nothing else matters.

Bearded Bastard > Decay buys too many beaters
09/04/2013 at 13:45

but thats also the point for pedestrians, you are supposed to come to a stop, check to make sure its clear for you to cross. even if its a 4 way stop. you stop and make absolute sure for your own safety in case someone does fly through. you keeping your pace running straight through is dangerous for everyone. especially if you arent all that visible. and someone has looked your way, looked the other, and is about to continue through the intersection, and all the sudden you come right out from say, a hedge or some shit i dunno.

i run too. and through experiences on both sides of the argument i cant really say I would rather keep my pace up, or my routine in time, just because im a pedestrian.

jpunk > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 13:51

Toronto last month: a car tried PASSING another as both tried making a left hand turn into the same lane at an intersection. They bumped and the outside car jumped the curb into a crowd of pedestrians, causing a couple of fatalities and injuring a dozen people or so.

The Toronto Star published an article about the accident and dedicated 95% of it to bitching about the way pedestrians behave at intersections. Quality journalism.

BiffMagnetude > elfakkeroo
09/04/2013 at 13:53

Are your road taxes progressive? If so, does that mean the guy in an S Class gets to run over your Ford/Toyota/Honda because he paid twenty times the road tax you did and therefore you have fewer rights than he does?

Just curious.

Bubs > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
09/04/2013 at 13:55

I think that this site would be a lot better if Burner accounts were not allowed.

Mister_Moon > William Byrd
09/04/2013 at 14:03

I'm a both a driver and cyclist. (Most cyclists are drivers unless they are 12 years old, BTW.) There's just as much ass-hattery on the road perpetrated by drivers as is by cyclists, because they the same people.

What gets my goat is when I'm waiting on my bike behind the line of cars in a left turn lane when some dumbass tries to shoulder me out of way with her bumper because she* thinks, as many do, I have no right to be on the road.

*It's more often than not women who are the biggest jerks towards cyclists on the road. That and punk-ass kids in ricer 240SXs and American Muscle.

William Byrd > Mister_Moon
09/04/2013 at 14:06

Actually DC has quite a few cyclists who don't drive. Like a lot of cities, it's easy to get around on bikes here so I know quite a few people who ditched their cars for bikes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm positive that cyclists get the raw end of the deal a lot of the time. But they aren't engratiating themselves to drivers by doing some of the stupid stuff I see on a daily basis.

David Gabel > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 14:10

how about 6 ways to be a better motorist, written in the same style as this article? It's bad enough most motorists I encounter on a daily basis (regardless of my mode of transport) act like they own the road as it is that maybe they should get a nice reality check too.

jpunk > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
09/04/2013 at 14:14

No, I'm not gonna come flying into the roadway and taking some half-asleep driver by surprise. My safety (and the structural integrity of your bumper, since you need the ego massage) is more important than that 10m of exercise or whatever I'm getting out of it.

I can jog slow across the cross-walk or whatever but I'm not gonna hit it at a run for the convenience of some whiny prick who doesn't deserve the wheels he's on.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > jpunk
09/04/2013 at 14:19

No you misunderstand.

I'm not encouraging runners to blindly run through cross walks. I'm saying that runners don't walk in cross walks. Once they know they can cross they run them.

MiddleAgedAngryGuy > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 14:24

This is the best thing I've read so far today. I hate asshole pedestrians. I've often wanted to attach a device that fires bags of shit - like big giant shit paintballs - out of my car at stupid fucks that can't obey the rules of the road. Walk out in front of me - giant shitbag on your chest, engrossed in your phone and walk when it says don't walk - boom giant bag of shit splatters on your head.

I think it would be awesome.

IHadAnAccountNowImJustABurner > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 14:32

As a frequent pedestrian, I would love it if drivers would follow the rules of the road. I get it. You think its courteous to let me have the right of way. However, if I am waving you through, just fucking go. Two people being courteous does nothing but screw over the rest of the flow of traffic. I can stand to wait another four seconds on a curb while you go through an intersection.

Many of these issues seem to deal with expectations of the other persons behavior. I expect driver's to follow the rules of the road and stop behind the line at a stop sign before moving into the intersection. Ergo, I will decisively continue into a crosswalk if the driver has yet to make the stop behind the line. If you were hoping to one stop before turning by pulling into the crosswalk and have to jam on the brakes due to my "crazy" behavior, tough shit. Ill go even slower.

elfakkeroo > BiffMagnetude
09/04/2013 at 14:33

Of course not. But the point remains that vehicle owners ( as opposed to bicyclists & pedestrians ) pay good money as road tax that goes towards the financing and upkeep costs of the road network in any country. And because we're paying, it's reasonable enough to expect a fair right of way. As I said above, nobody's stopping anyone else from using the roads - just don't be assholes about it and pretend like they're doing us a favour by being there. Do note that I don't portend to own the road under any circumstances and I behave with respect accordingly. I'd just like it if others did the same.

Wonder what happened to gentlemanly behaviour. The whole world seems to have gone stark, raving mad.

Enginerrrrrrrrr > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 14:35

One thing:

If I'm walking in a parking lot at the strip mall about to head into the store and it's obvious I am about to walk in/out, you better slow your ass down. I am pretty nimble and know how to position myself so the only thing that gets fucked is your insurance payments. I hate the guys that blaze through a busy pedestrian zone. The store is RIGHT THERE. An extra 15 seconds won't kill you for grandma to walk across without you giving her a heart attack. Soon you too will be a pedestrian jumping out so you can go buy your creatine and Nox pills so you can go get swole somewhere.

Everywhere else, yes, pedestrians and cyclist give me a fuckin break. You jaywalk? I don't mind scaring the shit out of you by driving as close as I can so that you understand what a moron you are.

elfakkeroo > covers86
09/04/2013 at 14:38

Don't worry, I got the raving lunatic part covered with my post. Haha!

You've hit the nail on the head with the moral entitlement bullshit that cyclists use. Anyone with a sense of entitlement is an asshole. Me included.

Darigaaz > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 14:39

I've got a good one, how about those assholes that don't walk directly across a road but walk diagonally across it?

Kawaii-Gon Jinn > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 14:42

not sure if serious.

if you are serious, you're a fuckwit who doesn't deserve a license.

if you aren't serious, then troll on.

Kawaii-Gon Jinn > William Byrd
09/04/2013 at 14:45

the same can be said for motorcyclists. you need to chill out. you're a danger to yourself and others.

jpunk > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
09/04/2013 at 14:45

Every damn time I've had a close scrape with a car it was while running across a cross walk. Walking, never. There's something about running across at an intersection that screws with driver perception or expectations, I've had aggressive assholes race across the crossing right behind me, or sleepyheads totally ignore that I'm approaching at a run from the opposite sidewalk. Also take it from me you don't really want to get in an traffic altercation with a driver while you've got the adrenaline kick going on from running.

From experience it's just not safe, and just like when I was a kid I still don't ride a bike across a crosswalk just because it saves everyone a few seconds. It's this way with every other rule of the road written or not: do what other motorists *expect* and for pedestrians at crosswalks that's walking.

Kawaii-Gon Jinn > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 14:47

as somebody who was jogging yesterday and was using the crosswalk when a minivan had to lock up her brakes and still moved into my jogging path, i'd say that all people are capable of Suck at all times; including Bros with their sweet rides, bro.

Mailbox Cancer > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 14:55

MATT HARDIGREE THIS PROMOTION IS 90 DAYS TOO LATE YOU'RE FIRED.

BiffMagnetude > elfakkeroo
09/04/2013 at 14:58

I agree we should all be polite and reasonable with one another. I honestly don't agree that the world has gone mad. Every generation bitches about those crazy kids and how the world has gone to hell in a hand basket. The truth is people are people and they have always been good and always been bad. The 30's-40's were by far worse than anything we have seen with the most depraved human behavior in the industrial era (Stalin/Hilter/WWII/Rape of Nanking etc) Had the Vikings had automatic weapons and tanks, what might they have done as they marauded up and down the coasts?

The fact that some guy is not being considerate and it costs a driver a few seconds of their time is more of an indication of the frustrated drivers lack of patience than a world on the precipice of insanity. We all have moments when we lose our shit over a few stolen seconds, but is it really worth it?

I got off track there. My original point is that it is a slippery slope connecting who funds what public space to who gets what use of that public space. Some of us pay a shit ton of taxes and the extension of your road tax logic is that we should have greater rights to public spaces than the vast majority of people who pay significantly less. Because half of any given population is too poor to pay any taxes, what is their "fair right of way" on public roads/sidewalks/parks??? Ultimately, it is reasonable to expect we have to deal with each other and sometimes that is going to be annoying.

hatbob > William Byrd
09/04/2013 at 15:00

Chill out man, the road is just as much theirs as yours. Why wouldn't they skip to the front, they are on a bike dude? You need to relax.

hatbob > elfakkeroo
09/04/2013 at 15:02

Roads aren't paid for my motorists. They are paid for by tax payers silly.

Mailbox Cancer > Mailbox Cancer
09/04/2013 at 15:03

Kinja'd!!!